Sunday, July 4, 2010

Expections. Sigh.

I’m always a happy-go-lucky person. Never expect much from myself, as I always know I’ll do fine. I don’t need to study to get good results in primary school, and when I just learn piano, I don’t even have to look at the score sheet to play the piece out. Better than others in drawing and art craft too, I was really happy with myself already, even thought I know I lack of sports ability, communication skill and determination.

In secondary years, things get tougher for me. Seeing so much people much better than I, I was still okay with it. But I remember there’s once during a debate competition, I was laughed by a senior. Not that I want to do that great mistake too! Our teacher told us the wrong format of doing it… Well disaster… Then in the Wushu society, I was doing terribly. Sigh. Quitted it after 1 year. In band too, I was not a very popular junior among all, and it was like a hard slap on me. I thought I was doing fine. I can play reasonably well compared to others in the same batch, but life is cruel. You don’t look adorable/pretty/lovable, you get nothing. Guess those’re the causes that made me lost confidence in myself.

In my last 1 and a half year in school and band I was getting better and more people approved my doings. Well, is not like a lot of people look up on me, but at least they give me some respect and my point of views are appreciated unlike before. And I’m glad that my band teachers trusted me in all those works, and will listen to my opinions in stuff. I get quite good result for SPM, and after that in college, as it’s a new start for me, not much matter bothers me thought.

But now in university, I just realize I never walk out from the shadow of my early secondary years. I didn’t put high expectations on myself, but still, there are certain expectations I hope I can reach. And of course, I can as well, but I didn’t manage to reach it. This causes me to lose confidence in myself once again. I can’t do well in small test, screwed my presentation, terrible in clarinet…... And many others. They cause stresses, stress cause me not working, and not working create more stress for me. This stupid snowball got stuck in my lung, my throat, my heart, my brain…… No wonder I’m in this miserable state again. I need my holidays to come earlier! I need time to refresh and relax and restart myself! But not everything you hope for will come for you. Sigh. And I do nothing wrong, I still can get people to hate me. Amazing right? Can’t describe my feelings now.

Hoping for a better tomorrow. Really. I hope I can start over again after the holidays. Being moody for 2 weeks already, I really hope this will end soon. I can’t do anything in this state! Gah! Hate myself for that. If there’s a confidence pill, please introduce it to me. I just need a bit more confidence in myself that I can do fine during this period of time. I know if I push myself a bit I can get good results. I know I got the potential to do well in presentation. I know if I practice my clarinet I can be better than what I am now. I know if I put my heart in my work, I can perform 10times better. BUT I know as well I don’t have the confidence. *slap*

Guess that’s enough for my self-pitying and grumbles. Ignore it after reading. It won’t do you any good remembering anything from this. I have to munch in the notes now. Till I feel better, see you guys then.


P.s. There’s a lot of stuff I should update in my blog. But I think you’d guessed it right. I got no mood to do all these right now.

3 comments:

  1. christy =(

    makes my heart weeps seeing u now...cheer up..bersyukur for wat u have now..these challenges that u face is only gonna make u stronger..dun worry :)

    the key of gaining confidence is..dun expect much on ur life...its ok to not how to do wushu..its ok not getting well with the juniors..u just have to tell urself..its ok :) ur just putting too much burden in urself..

    there are ppl out there who are better than u..yet there are ppl out there who are worst than u...can i do wushu? no. can i play clarinet? no. can i get a good result? no.

    but u can..ur unique..i believe in u. I always believe in the chinese proverbs of "xian ku hou tian" when im in deep stressed, I always tell myself "this pain is only a little compare to the joy that i can get if i go tru this"

    cheer up christy =)

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  2. Thanks =) I'm feeling much much better d, with all the supports from my friends. I was just too stressed up with the sudden load of work.. But I'll try not to be so negative again. =)

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  3. since u're feeling better dy, counseling isnt so much needed dy, haha. Just share some thought here.

    well, I always believe in life, 'good' always comes together with 'bad'. In this situation, u felt sad, i would say congratz to u. Im not laughing at you, but feeling glad that u had a new experience, perhaps knowing better: wad is the diff of 'Talent' & 'Effort'.

    In my opinion, having expectation is good, u set a goal, u achieve it, and set a higher goal, thats what keeps us improving ourselves. If we just give up by dun expect too much, we tend to get lazy, eventually being left out by the crowd, by everyone. *Anyway, that does not mean u have to compare to the others.

    In sch, we had been 'brainwashed' of the statement: we CANNOT make mistake. BUT, the fact is, we learn better through mistake!. So dun be afraid of doing wrong. If you did not achieve the goal, at least u realize where goes wrong, improve for the next challenges.

    There is ntg wrong of being emo, as we are human, emotions affects our life, learn how to handle it. U have the prob, then find the solution, and be a stronger girl.

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